Funny Christmas Quotes and Sayings

Feel the holiday cheer with these funny Christmas quotes and sayings. Christmas is one of the most festive and jolly holidays. This is also one of my favorite days aside from my birthday. Millions of people around the world celebrate this fortunate holiday with complete zeal and merriment. A great time to reconnect and bond with the family, a time when our tables are full of different Christmas recipes and treats – that’s Christmas Day! To add more fun and merry to Christmas we are looking for more Christmas card quotes

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So this Christmas, let’s make the holiday more fun with these funny Christmas quotes sayings. You can use these funny quotes for Christmas cards and ecards. We also include some funny Christmas jokes and sayings that you can share to your friends to spread the good vibe and good cheer. Enjoy our collection of funny Christmas quotes with images. So, here we go!

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Funny Christmas Quotes and Sayings

 

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  • “At Christmas, play and make good cheer, for Christmas comes but once a year.” – Thomas Tusser

  • “Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.” – Author Unknown

  • “Christmas shopping. Never an easy or a pleasant task.” -Harry in Love Actually

  • “Dear Santa, I’m writing to let you know that I’ve been naughty and it was worth it!”

  • Dear Santa, This year, please give me a fat bank account and a slim body. And please don’t mix those two up like you did last year. Thanks.

  •  “Mentally I am ready for Christmas, financially I am not ready for Christmas.” – Author Unknown

  • “Christmas is a magical time of year… I just watched all my money magically disappear.” – Author Unknown

  • “Nothing says holiday like a cheese log.” – Ellen DeGeneres

  •  “Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.”– Andy Borowitz

  • “Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.” – Author Unknown

  • “Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.” -Andy Borowitz

  • “Oh, for the good old days when people would stop Christmas shopping when they ran out of money.” – Author Unknown

Funny Christmas Quotes for Cards

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  • “Sending Christmas cards is a good way to let your friends and family know that you think they’re worth the price of a stamp.” – Melanie White

  •  “My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge.”– Melanie White

  • “Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.” – Dave Barry

  •  “Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” ~ Phyllis Diller

  • “Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.” ~ Anonymous

  • Last year, I asked Santa for the sexiest person ever for Christmas. I woke up in a box.

  • “Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases.” – Bridger Winegar

  • “I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.” ~ Bernard Manning

  • “I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.” – Winston Spear

  • “Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it.” – Richard Lamm

  • “One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.” -Louis C.K.

  • “There are some people who want to throw their arms round you simply because it is Christmas; there are other people who want to strangle you simply because it is Christmas.” – Robert Staughton Lynd

  •  “I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.”  – Bernard Manning

Funny Merry Christmas Quotes Sayings

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  • “What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present.” – Don Marquis

  • “I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange.” – Henny Youngman

  • “There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.” ~ Erma Bombeck
  • “The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.” – Joan Rivers

  • “Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.” ~ Anonymous
  • “Do give books – religious or otherwise – for Christmas. They’re never fattening, seldom sinful, and permanently personal.” – Lenore Hershey

  • “For Christmas this year, try giving less. Start with less attitude. There’s more than enough of that in the world as it is – and people will usually just give it back anyway!” – Anne Bristow
  • “What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.” ~ Anonymous

  • “The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.” ~ Jay Leno
  • “Christmas is a race to see which gives out first – your money or your feet.” ~ Anonymous

  • “Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.” ~ Tom Sims
  • “I left Santa gluten-free cookies and organic soy milk and he put a solar panel in my stocking.” – Author Unknown

Funny Christmas Quotes Messages

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  •  “This holiday season, no matter what your religion is, please take a moment to reflect on why it’s better than all the other ones.” – Guy Endore Kaiser
  • “A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.” – Garrison Keillor

  • “The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.” ~ Joan Rivers
  • “I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white man would be coming into my neighborhood after dark.” ~ Dick Gregory

  • “Be careful with drinking this Christmas. I got so drunk last night I found myself dancing in a cheesy bar… or, as you like to call it, delicatessen.” – Sean Hughes
  • “Christmas, here again. Let us raise a loving cup; Peace on earth, goodwill to men, and make them do the washing up.” – Wendy Cope

  • “The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.” -Johnny Carson

Short Funny Christmas Quotes

 

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  • “Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas. You know, the birth of Santa?” – Matt Groening
  • “Who’s the bane of Santa’s life? The elf and safety officer.” – Catherine Tate

  • “Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.” – Kin Hubbard
  •  “That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.” – Jerry Seinfeld

  •  “If you can’t wrap Christmas presents well, at least make it look like they put up a good fight.” – Author Unknown
  • “Even before Christmas has said Hello, it’s saying ‘Buy Buy’.” – Robert Paul

  • “I wish we could put up some of the Christmas spirit in jars and open a jar of it every month.” ~ Harlan Miller
  • “The magi, as you know, were wise men — wonderfully wise men who brought gifts to the Babe in the manger. They invented the art of giving Christmas presents.” – O. Henry

  • “Probably the reason we all go so haywire at Christmas time with the endless unrestrained and often silly buying of gifts is that we don’t quite know how to put our love into words.” – Harlan Miller
  •  “People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.”  – Anonymous

Funny Christmas One Liner Quotes

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  • “Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.” – Victor Borge
  •  “Peace on earth will come to stay, when we live Christmas every day.” ~ Helen Steiner Rice

  • “A good holiday is one spent among people whose notions of time are vaguer than yours.” – John B. Priestly
  • “Next to a circus there ain’t nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.” – Frank McKinney Hubbard

  • “Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive.” – Stephen John Fry
  • “It may be a cliche, but it’s true – the build-up to Christmas is so much more pleasurable than the actual day itself.” – Julie Burchill

  • “I get a little behind during Lent, but it comes out even at Christmas.” – Frank Butler
  • “Christmas is a state of mind and that special feeling that only comes with an empty bank account.” – Melanie White

  • “Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful.” ~ Norman Vincent Peale
  • “A Christmas shopper’s complaint is one of long-standing.” ~ Jay Leno.
  • “The best Christmas present I got from my husband was a week to do whatever I wanted.”– Olivia Haigh Williams
  •  “Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love.” ~Hamilton Wright Mabi

  • Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful.” ~ Norman Vincent Peale

More Funny Christmas Quotes and Sayings

  • “Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year.” ~ P. J. O’Rourke
  • “Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.” ~ Larry Wilde

  • “From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it.” – Katharine Whitehorn
  •  “There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them.” ~ P.J. O’Rourke

  •  “Let me see if I’ve got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn’t laundering illegal drug money?” ~ Tom Armstrong
  • “Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, he must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, must be a pacifist. What’s in that pipe that he’s smoking?” – Arlo Guthrie

  •  “Christmas: it’s the only religious holiday that’s also a federal holiday. That way, Christians can go to their services, and everyone else can sit at home and reflect on the true meaning of the separation of church and state.”– Samantha Bee
  •  “Dear Lord, I’ve been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for the Christmas turkey before us… a turkey which was no doubt a lively, intelligent bird… a social being… capable of actual affection… nuzzling its young with almost human- like compassion. Anyway, it’s dead and we’re gonna eat it. Please give our respects to its family… “ ~ Berke Breathed

  •  “The outdoor Christmas lights, green and red and gold and blue and twinkling, remind me that most people are that way all year round — kind, generous, friendly and with an occasional moment of ecstasy. But Christmas is the only time they dare reveal themselves.”– Harlan Miller

  •  “Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.” ~ Dave Barry

Funny Christmas Quotes from Movies

  • “From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it.” – Katharine Whitehorn, Roundabout
  • “One can never have enough socks. Another Christmas has come and gone and I didn’t get a single pair. People will insist on giving me books.” – Professor Dumbledore in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

  • “If you see a sign that says ‘Peep Show’, that doesn’t mean they’re letting you look at presents before Christmas.” – Father Christmas in Elf
  • “Damn. How can you give Kris Kringle a parking ticket on Christmas Eve? What’s next, rabies shots for the Easter Bunny?” – Santa Claus in Home Alone

  • “Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa” – Bart Simpson
  • “Cancel the kitchen scraps for lepers and orphans. No more merciful beheadings. And call off Christmas!” – Sheriff George of Nottingham

  • “Christmas shopping. Never an easy or a pleasant task.” – Harry (Love Actually)
  • “Blast this Christmas music. It’s joyful and triumphant.” – The Grinch (How the Grinch Stole Christmas)

We hope that you enjoy our list of humorous Christmas quotes and Christmas Messages. More Christmas quotes and sayings posted in our site. You can use them as funny Christmas card quotes if you wanna humor your friends and loved ones this coming Christmas day. Browse them and enjoy!

Want to share your own Christmas funny quotes? Just post your feedback and your own Christmas sayings below. You’re most welcome!

Merry Christmas!

 

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